Thursday, 28 July 2011


The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"


An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out." 

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.

For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.

You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."

An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.

Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Two cops were parked on the side of a busy highway waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car windows. One car drove by and threw out some garbage but the traffic was too thick to allow the cops an opportunity to pull out and haul the car over.

Another car drove by and it too tossed some garbage. Just as before, the traffic was too busy. Vehicles proceeded to pass by throwing garbage until finally the cops had an opening to pull over a car which had a guy and a girl in it. The police had the man back up to retrieve garbage, which turned out to be a used condom. One of the cops said, "You know there are huge fines for littering on this highway". To which the motorist replied with a satisfied look on his face, "that's not litter, it orgasmic material!"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Friendship Shayari | Friendship SMS |

Ye Dost B Ajeeb Hotay Hain,
Denay Pay Aaen To Jan Day Dain,
Lenay Pay Aaen To Hansi Tak Cheen Lain,
Kehnay Pay Aaen To Dil K Tmam Khano K Raz Tak Keh Dain,
Chupanay Pay Aaen To Ye Tak Na Btaen K Khafa Q Hain,
Naraz Honay Pay Aaen To Sans Tak Na Lenay Dain,
Mnanay Pay Aaen To Apni Sanso Ko War Dain,
Bus Dost Zindagi Mein Nahi Mila Krtay Blkay,
Zindagi Doston Men Mila Krti Hy….

Zindgi mohtaj nahi manzilon ki,
Waqt har manzil dikha deta hai..
Marta anhi koi kisi ki judai me,
Waqt sabko jeena sikha deta hai..
Dosti se aaj pyaar sharmaya hai
Teri dosti ne humein jina sikhaya hai
Kya maange khuda se hum
Woh to khud aaj mere dar par
Teri dosti maangne aaya hai.
Dost kabhi dosto se khafaa nahi hote..
Mil jaye dil to kabhi juda nahi hote
Bhula dena meri kamiyon ko.
Kyu ki insan kabhi khuda nahi hote….
Har khamoshi ka matlab inkaar nahi hota,
Har nakamyabi ka matlab haar nahi hota.
Toh kya huwa agar hum tume na pasake,
Sirf paane ka matlab pyar nahi hota.
Aey dost dosti pe shak na kar,
Yeh hum nahi tere nishan kehte hai,
Tu hi hai sachcha dost,
Yeh hum baar baar kehte hai.

Jaane Wale Aur Honge
Hum To Yahi Reh Jaenge
Paana Chahoge Hame Kabhi
Aas Paas Mil Jaenge
Aawaaz Doge Ek Baar
Kabr Se Bhi Uth Kar Aaenge
Mehfil Sazaa Kar To Dekho Hamaare Bagair
Joote Sar Par Tumhare Lagaenge
Ik Dosti Nibhani Sikhi Yaara
Is Daulat Ko Na U Gawaenge
Rooth Jaenge Tere Saare Dost
Kabhi Loveleen Ko Na Sang Apne Paenge
Kar Shak Na Humpe Itna Tu
Hum Roothe To Rab Bhi Na Mana Paenge …

Dosti khubsurat hai
Tum na mano ye haqikat hai.
Dosti insan ki zarurat hai.
Kisi din aao hamari mehfil me,
Jan jaoge zindagi kitni khubsurat hai…

Dosti ka pehala salaam aapke naam,,,,,,,,,,
Hamaari zindagi ki akhari sham aapke naam.
Iss safar main humsafar hain hum dono,,,,,,,,,
Is dosti ko nibhana hain aapka kaam………..
Tum milo na milo koi gam nahi,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
SMS karo yeh milne se kam nahi..,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Dosti me dhoka de woh Hum nahi,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Hamari Dosti bhi krishn Aur sudama se kam nahi…
Hasee chupaana kisi ko gawara nahi hota,
her musafir jindgi ka sahara nahi hota,
milte hai log is tanha jingi me per,
har koi dost tumsa payara nahi hota..
Mulakaat maut ki mehmaan ho gayi hai…
Nazar ki zindigi sunsaan ho gayi hai….
Ab meri saans bhi meri nahin rahi….
Ye Zindagi aapki dosti par kurbaan ho gayi hai…

Jo har pal jalti rahe, use roshni kehte hain,,,,,
Jo pal pal chalti rahe, use zindagi kehte hain,
Jo pal pal khilti rahe, use mohabbat kehte hain,
Jo saath na chode, use apni dosti kehte hain…
Na mujhe yaad rakhna,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Na baante yaad rakhna,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Bas Dil ki dili tammana hai,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Bas hamara naam zroor yaad rakhna….
Dua karte hain hum sir jhukae dargaah pe,,,,
Ae dost tu apni manzil ko paye,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Teri rahon me ho kaanten agr,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
To un kaanto ko hataane ke liye khuda hame bulaaye…
Aapki yaari Aapki wafa hi kafi hai,
Tamam umar ye aasra hi kafi hai,
Jahan milo dekh ke muskura dena,
Jene ke waste ye aasra hi kafi hai….
Shama se ujaale dhor ho jaate,
To chand ki chahat kise hoti?
Kat sakati akele ye zindagi,,,,,,
To dosti ki saughaat kyon hoti ?


Na khuda dil banata na kisise pyar hota,
Na kisiki yaad ati na kisika intazar hota.
Dil diya hai ise sambhal ke rakhna,
Shishe se bana hai pathar se dur rakhna!
Agar hum na hote to ghazal kaun kehta,
Aap ke chehre ko kamal ko kehta,
Yeh to karishma hai mohabbat ka,
Varna pathro ko tajmahal kaun kehta..
Chaho to dil se hamko mitta dena
Chaho to humko bhula dena
Par Yeh wada karo ki aaye jo kabhi yaad hamari
To rona nahi Bus muskura dena…
Tarasti nazaron ki pyas ho tum,
Tadapte dil ki aas ho tum,
Bujti zindagi ki sas ho tum,
Phir kaise na kahu?.. kuch khas ho tum…
Aankhon Me Armaan Diya Karte Hai,
Hum Sabki Neend Chura Liya Karte Hai,
Ab Se Jab Jab Aapki Palkay Jhapkeygi…..
samaj Lena Tab Tab Hum Aapko Yaad kiya karte Hai…..!

 Teri har suba muskurati rahe
teri har shaam gungunati rahe
tu jise bhi mile iss tarah se mile ki
har milne wale ko teri yaad satati rahe…
Kisi ko paas aane mein waqt lagta hai
kisi ko apna banane mein waqt lagta hai
jab manga khuda se apko
usne kaha “anmol cheez pane mein waqt lagta hai”
Na tasvir hai tumhari jo didar kiya jaye
na tum paas ho jo pyaar kiya jaye
ye kaun sa dard diya hai aapne
na kuchh kaha jaye, na tum bin raha jaye..
Sab kuch milta hai bas ek “khudai” ke siwa,
zindagi bahut pasand aayi ek “ruswai” ke siwa,
meri chahat ka ehsas bhi na kar sako ge tum,
us ki har ada pasand hai ke “bewafai” ke siwa.
Unki ankho se kash koi ishara to hota
kuch mere jeene ka sahara to hota
tod dete hum har rasm zamane ki
ek baar hi sahi usne pukara to hota..

Pyar ka anjam kaun sochta hai,
Chahne se pahle niyat kaun dekhta hai.
Mohabbat hai ek andha ehsas,
Karte hain sab par mukam kaun janta hai…

Aap Hame Rulado Hame Gam Nahi
Aap Hame Bhulado Hame Koi Gam Nahi
Jis Din Humne Aap Ko Bhula Diya
Smaj Lena Is Duniya Me Hum Nahi…

 “Lamhe judai ke bekarar karte hain
Halaat mere mujhe lachaar karte hain,
Aankhe meri padh lein wo kabhi
Hum khud kaise kahe ki unko kitna pyar karte hain”

Yeh kya naam du iss diwangi ko,
Dil ki bechainia tadapane lagi hai.
Bata kya kahu iss rawanagi se,
Jo pal pal tujhe bulane lagi hai.

Birth Day Greetings

SMS Shayari

bujhne lage h diye tez hawaao me.
ab raha naa dum meri sadaao me.
maut samne h kya khoob nazara h.
bhigi palko pe bas naam tumhara h.